you know,

when it boils right down to it, i'm not sure if i can handle the lifestyle. i'm not sure i can attend the *play parties*, or be okay with J. participating in them. they are usually at his apartment, so i can"t just tell him i'm uncomfortable with it. even if i did, it wouldn't really change anything. i get way too jealous for my own good. maybe this is just a bad idea. i should probably call this off before it goes any further. i wanted to be okay about this, and i kept thinking that i could be, but when it gets down to the heart of it, i'm not. i won't be. i just need to let this, and him, go.
he'll feel guilty, and i'll feel like a bitch. we'll end up resenting each other. i'll resent the fact that i can't possibly provide him with what he wants, and he'll resent that i won't let him do those things. this is a bad idea. really bad. i have way fucked this up. i should have never made out with him that night at the club. i should have just seen, hugged, and gone away. instead, i decided that it wouldn't be such a bad idea if we tried this whole relationship thing again. i didn't realize just how much he had really invested in the scene. i mean, i knew he was into it, but the last time we hung out, it was just mild. now he's really part of the scene. he and his roommate are like the central figures of it right now. i can't go there. not gonna happen.
god, i really have fucked up. i'm gonna go crawl under a rock now.