pandorablue: (roses)
I kind of love when my friend R gets into deeply philosophical debates with me when he's drunk. It's the only time I feel as if I can keep up...


May. 8th, 2012 10:11 am
pandorablue: (I won't cry)
My mom passed away last night. It was quiet and peaceful: she wasn't in any pain. It was also a bit of a shock. She was in hospice, so we had been expecting it to some extent, but we weren't expecting it so soon. Jonathan has been my rock and I am grateful to him for everything. Little Human sort of gets it, but not quite. I feel bad for him, and I just want to hold him forever. Nikki and Kit came over to help and I needed them more than I realized.

I'll be okay. We'll all be okay.

I miss you mama.
PayPal has decided that donating gifts and money to needy children and families is wrong. So wrong that they’ll take their cut of the donations, then require that the organizer refund all the money (that PayPal took their cut of); then allow the organizer to sell the (already purchased) gifts (and take a cut of the sales); then decide that because it’s not a charity for cats, but for kids, all of the sales have to be refunded (giving PayPal another transaction cut); and then, to add insult to injury, freezing the personal account of the organizer.

Please share this. I am so very angry right now.


May. 20th, 2011 10:57 pm
I've never pretended to be more than what I am.

I'm a mom.

I am a geeky/artsy girl.

I spend most of my time with my head in the clouds. I kind of like it that way.

I'm aware that I often come across as shallow and slightly daft. I'm okay with that too.

I am occasionally naive and often confused.

I want to believe the best of people.

I don't like being treated like I'm simple because my particular aptitudes do not equate with someone else's.

I tend to keep deeper thoughts to myself for fear of being mocked.

I like silly, childish things. I revel in them. Why not?

I'm entirely too attached to my cat.

I am impulsive.

I cry sometimes for no good reason.

I've been known to laugh at inopportune moments.

I have deep, painful secrets.

I dream in color.

I'm slightly annoying.

I drink entirely too much coffee.

I hear music in colors.

I am more grateful to my friends than they will ever know.

I love with abandon.
I really just don't get it. I don't get what makes me special to the people I have been with in the past. Even a few of my guy friends that I wasn't ever in a romantic relationship with previously have told me that they wanted to be. Almost all of them came looking for me and not the other way around. It's almost a running joke around here, because they have been crawling out of the woodwork lately.

I really don't get it though. I'm not that exceptional. I'm cute, I guess, but not really what would be considered "pretty". I think I'm fairly intelligent, but there are much smarter and more attractive women. I really don't understand what it is. I have one guy friend that I feel comfortable enough to ask him why, but that doesn't answer for any of the others and I don't know how to ask without them thinking I am asking for reasons other than honest curiosity.

This is really not a "validate me PLEASE" post. Just thoughts that have been rolling around since the other night. I just don't get it.
I kind of fell off the planet for a little while. This year has started out odd. I was really stressing my birthday this year, and so it became this huge mess and I spent the entire weekend crying. I can't even precisely say what went wrong. I think this age was stressing me, which is bizarre since last year was what is considered a "milestone" year.

I think part of it was also that I was starting school the Monday after that weekend. I was very stressed about this, but for the most part it has been fairly simple. I am currently at over 100% scores in all of my classes, which is super awesome. I am really loving being back at school. I forgot how much I really enjoyed it. This week was a bit odd because I caught a cold from somewhere and I had to call into the only class I am currently taking on campus. I'm 3 sections ahead in that class already and the teacher was okay with me not being there.

Things here at the house are okay, for the most part. It's a difficult situation, but we are managing. I feel a little sad about certain things that could not be dealt with before it got to this point. I was feeling a little resentful about it, and honestly, I probably still do, but I am fully aware that it isn't helping anything and that I need to just let it go.

Otherwise, life is not currently kicking my ass. I hope it stays this way for a while.
To those who celebrate it:

Merry Christmas!

To everyone else: 



Nov. 20th, 2010 05:46 pm
Passed my GED with flying colors. Passed that accuplacer with at least decently flying colors and I don't have to take any of the remedial classes.

I am all set to register for classes on Monday morning. It looks like I will only have one class that I will have to leave my house for, lol. I am so lazy.

I also got all financial aid stuff figured out, so I should be able to buy a halfway decent car to get me to and from school.


New Tat!

Nov. 13th, 2010 05:15 pm
Clicky to see it since I seem to be photobucket illiterate at the moment )

They don't look even, but they are. My hands weren't even. Excuse the red swollen-ness...

Also, Little Human had a blast at the party =)

{EDIT} HOLY CRAP THAT'S HUUUUUGE!!! I edited it smaller, I dunno why it refuses to show up that way =(
Well, I took my GED. I am pretty sure that I passed. I'm not quite sure how I couldn't, but we'll see. I still have to take my accuplacer. I have to talk to Financial Aid, since when I filled it all out, I didn't think I wanted to take loans. The recurring car issue has convinced me otherwise :/

Luckily I discovered today that I am eligible for early registration, so I will hopefully be able to take the classes I want to take and not just the ones that have openings. I know there will be some prerequisites, but I think I should at least have one class that will be something I want to take.

I am getting a new tattoo tomorrow. It's my *I acted like a mother fucking adult this week* - see icon - present to myself. I will post pics. This is the one that [ profile] sativadivinorum will be proud of. Now if only she was around to see it...

Little human is also attending his first classmate birthday party tomorrow. He should enjoy that. I just need to pick up a gift for her.

Otherwise, all is well-ish. How are my peeps???
pandorablue: (roses)
Happy Halloween!

Happy Birthday to [ profile] elegantdreams !

This post is brought to you by The Number of The Beast.....


Oct. 30th, 2010 06:37 pm
I was supposed to go to a party this evening. I am running a fever, and just generally feel like shit. I had a a break down while we were out shopping today, which was probably exacerbated by the fact that I don't feel well. Mom, Jonathan, and the Little Human went to the party without me. He is adorable in his Optimus Prime costume (Little Human, not Jonathan). Tomorrow I will also be posting, but I think it is mostly so I can say that I posted my 666th journal entry on Halloween, lol.

I hope everyone that is going somewhere tonight has a good time and stays safe!

New Mexico

Oct. 29th, 2010 08:48 pm
I had a conversation about New Mexico, Albuquerque in particular, with a friend yesterday. He told me he had driven through Albuquerque several years ago and it seemed depressing. I wholeheartedly agreed. I've been thinking about that declaration since and have realized a couple of things.

New Mexico may not have been the home I would have chosen if I had a choice, but it is home now. I am relatively happy here.

I stood out on the front porch tonight. It was about an hour after the sun had actually set. The horizon was still yellow. The blue above that was my favorite color blue. I have never seen the sky that color blue anywhere but here. Above my head the sky was dark blue. No matter the time of night, if you aren't in a metropolitan area, you can almost always see the blue. The star show is spectacular and the moon rising over the Sandias is something to behold (not tonight, because it was up all day, but generally).

I don't live in Albuquerque anymore, but I live close enough that going *down the hill* isn't much of a burden. I always want compare it to Richmond, VA. I just discovered that Abq has over twice the population, which I found surprising. Richmond always seemed bigger. Maybe it's because Richmond is taller. We have museums of many flavors, a zoo, an aquarium, parks, hiking trails, the bosque, the river. We have restaurants with awesome food. We have a pretty eclectic art scene, whether audio or visual, or anywhere in between. We have interesting wildlife - Roadrunners for the win!

It takes almost no time to go from being in a heavily populated area, to being in The Middle of Nowhere. A place where it feels like the sky never ends. Sometimes, while traveling through The Middle of Nowhere, you stumble upon a town or a sight that you never knew existed. Road trips in this state are fun.

We have Carlsbad Caverns, which is very field trippy, but still a ton of fun. There is Roswell, which is just out of this world (hahaha, bad pun, and it's not really). Santa Fe, where art galleries and some of the residents are overly pretentious, is still a nice place to visit. I must take the Little Human on the Cumbres and Toltec Railroad in the near future - a steam powered locomotive, for those unaware. Tinkertown Museum is one of the strangest and most delightful places I have ever been. Then there is just the landscape while on the way. Odd rock formations that make peculiar landmarks.

New Mexico has relatively decent weather. I wish there was more of a spring and more of a fall, but winter is mild and summer is usually not humid. Nights are cool, so no matter what the daytime temp was, night time is at least bearable. The rain storms are impressive and sometimes scary. Snowfalls are few and far between, usually, and seem so out of place when they happen. We have enough of a fall to warrant foliage colors and enough of a spring to enjoy the world coming back to life.

I realized tonight that the wanderlust will probably fly me away from here in the future, but I think I need to start appreciating the layover more. It won't ever be my *heart home*, I don't think, but that doesn't mean I can't enjoy it more while I'm here...


Oct. 26th, 2010 11:37 pm
Got registered for my GED. They are recommending that I take the accuplacer ASAP, so that if I don't get the GED results before registration begins, I can still register and qualify for financial aid. Oddly, I am not nearly as worried about the accuplacer as I am about the GED, though I will need to brush up on my math skillz for both.

I think I will also need to take out at least one student loan, as much as I really don't want to. I need a car that is more dependable than the one I bought in April, plus, I just really don't like the car. It was my fault that I ended up with that one, but we had such a limited budget. The student loan would be double the budget I had in April, so that should leave me a nice little sum to get something that can make it into Albuquerque on a regular basis and that I enjoy driving. Life is too short to drive a car you don't like.
This is probably not going to come as a shock to anyone, but here is the deal:

Jonathan and I are not together as a couple anymore. We still care for each other very much, but we just can't seem to make each other happy. We still cohabitate and will continue to do so for the foreseeable future. Think of us as the new Berney and Roxanne - the people in my immediate circle know what I am talking about. We still hang out and do stuff together because we are very good friends.

We are trying very hard to make this as easy as possible for each other and for Little Human. There are many reasons that I am unable to move out right now, but I don't feel the need to explain myself to anyone in this post. If anyone that doesn't know wants to, message me, and I will tell you. This is the best we can do right now, and it is currently working. Adjustments may be necessary in the future, but for now we are both at least pacified.

I appreciate all of the support we have both received during this upheaval. I have discovered who I can count on when things go awry and I have found some new friends to turn to. Thank you.
No one else prolly cares about this, but I need a reminder )
This kind of going to be disjointed, so hang on...


I have been playing around with my camera a lot. I love it. I want to make cyborg babies with it. Here is my flickr:
I am too lazy to make an actual link :)

I finally had a doctor's appointment. I am pre-diabetic. I am also waiting on the results of a thyroid screening. I am pretty sure there is something wonky going on there, but we'll see.

I'm signing up for a gym membership. I'm happy about this.

Jonathan and I are sort of trying out an almost roommate situation. I think this will work. We'll also see about that!

I still need to fix my car, but I'm pretty sure I know what's screwed up, and I did it myself. :(

I think that's it...
pandorablue: (Waitress)
I am just so damn pleased at how well it came out:

Picture this way... )
pandorablue: (I won't cry)
I think Jonathan and I are splitting up.
pandorablue: (Darby)
Three years ago, at this time,  I was arguing with my mom and Jonathan that I could not "do this". "This" being giving birth. I was attempting to get up and walk out of the hospital while in labor, attached to a monitor, and with an epidural. That would have ended badly.

In exactly two more hours, it will be three years since I finally did give birth.

Happy Birthday Little Human!!!



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