you know,

May. 26th, 2005 07:56 pm
when it boils right down to it, i'm not sure if i can handle the lifestyle. i'm not sure i can attend the *play parties*, or be okay with J. participating in them. they are usually at his apartment, so i can"t just tell him i'm uncomfortable with it. even if i did, it wouldn't really change anything. i get way too jealous for my own good. maybe this is just a bad idea. i should probably call this off before it goes any further. i wanted to be okay about this, and i kept thinking that i could be, but when it gets down to the heart of it, i'm not. i won't be. i just need to let this, and him, go.
he'll feel guilty, and i'll feel like a bitch. we'll end up resenting each other. i'll resent the fact that i can't possibly provide him with what he wants, and he'll resent that i won't let him do those things. this is a bad idea. really bad. i have way fucked this up. i should have never made out with him that night at the club. i should have just seen, hugged, and gone away. instead, i decided that it wouldn't be such a bad idea if we tried this whole relationship thing again. i didn't realize just how much he had really invested in the scene. i mean, i knew he was into it, but the last time we hung out, it was just mild. now he's really part of the scene. he and his roommate are like the central figures of it right now. i can't go there. not gonna happen.
god, i really have fucked up. i'm gonna go crawl under a rock now.
So two days before closing, I get a call from my real estate agent. He is calling to ask if I have heard from the loan officer, which I hadn't. I wasn't too worried about it until my agent tells me that my loan is fucked. I don't actually have the loan that I was told I was getting. Apparently I can only close on the house if I can come up with a little over $14,000. Nice huh? And get this, apparently the loan officer wasn't going to call me to tell me. So, if Tom, my real estate agent, hadn't called him for something, I wouldn't have known until I showed up at closing, and they asked me for a nice big fat check, that I wouldn't have!
I am so pissed off. I mean come on, TWO DAYS before closing. We were supposed to close on Feb. 25. What if that had happened. Does that mean they would have revoked the loan? I dunno what I am gonna do. anyway, I may be moving again. I just don't know.
I love you all.
Oh, and Holly, I know I said I'd call, but I just can't deal with anything tonight. When I am not sitting in the corner crying, I am raging at money people. I'll talk to you later, my love.
Dammit. Sean calls me last night, LAST NIGHT, to tell me that we aren't going to hang out on New Years eve after all. He has had three fucking weeks to tell me this, and he tells me last night. He's like "well, I had to think about it". this has so pissed me off. I kind of expected it, but still...
We make plans and they are supposed to be definite. Then I get told that they weren't definite, and I must be fucking crazy. He never said that (oh really?!) Anyway, just felt the need to rant. Sorry
I get off work last night and am preparing to wind down. We pull up to the turn before my house and lookie there..... 12 cop cars (one of them blocking the street), and a ton of armored vehicles!!!! We think, okay we'll go around. They blocked off every single street in the neighborhood. I get out to ask whats going on, and the poor police woman was about ready to shoot me (literally, hand on the holster). She says, "You need to leave, NOW". Luckily, I knew elegantdreams always expects people to show up at her house unannounced. So we did!!! We hung out there and watched the news. We called the non emergency number a bunch of times to find out when it might be over. At one point, the news said they apprehended someone. The police said they didn't. So fucked up. They had!
Whole thing started a couple of days ago. The cops shot some gang guy a few days ago, and this guy down the street from us was in the same gang. So he threatens the whole police dept. I don't know exactly what he thought he was gonna do, but hey. Anyway, they had been watching him for awhile anyway, because of the gang connection. They decided that because he threatened them they would show up last night and do something about him. I get off work at 5:30. I wasn't able to go into my house (nor were my neighbors able to go into theirs) until about midnight.
Now, we have had to call the cops a bunch of times on him. Other people have too. The good news is that I have lived here for 3 years and never really had to deal with anything like this. When we have called before, it was because they were making a ton of noise at 3 in the morning. Nothing like this though!
Luckily, I have friends who love me, and don't mind if I just hang out at their house for hours on end!!!! Love you Nikki!
On a lighter note, we are moving right along on the house stuff. I hope this goes okay!
Not a good evening. I had to cancel my fist date in a long time. My mom decided that she was going to have a freak out fest. She has told me that I no longer have priveleges to her car. Whatever. At this point I don't care. She is just pissed that I am not still with my ex. She thinks that he wants to be with me, and I am turning him down. I wish. He is positive that he doesn't want me anymore and while he is my best friend, I am not sure if we will ever be anything more again. I guess that I am just a little pissed off. I will calm down at some point this evening. Love everyone bunches!
I called the Salamander today at work. I wanted to know exactly what his problem is. He then proceeded to ask me out for Wed. night. Yeah, sure. I'll hold my breath and die waiting for that to happen! I can't imagine what his problem is! He says he'll call on Tuesday night to confirm. I've heard that before. I had a wonderful flirty day with the Aussie Rep. Oh Gawd, is he hot! Mom is doing better today, which is good. She has gotten all excited about stuff. So happy! She thinks that the Salamander is stupid and a waste of time. She's Right! Of course she is in love with my ex, so she wants us to get back together. So do I, but I need to deal with some of my issues before that can happen, and I am so horny! He isn't gonna put out for me, so I had better find it somewhere! Not sure if I want a hairy amphibian though!



July 2012

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